Monday, July 11, 2011

I'm lost.

  I've been out of college for near two months now and I'm no closer to starting my professional life than I am to once and for all cleaning up the residual crap from moving back home out of the basement. I feel totally lost and cut off from everyone I was once close with. My three best girlfriends seem to have forgotten me, yet still see each other, and my best guy friend is still up in Manchester, where I wish I was. I feel like I'm sixteen again, living at home, having my parents give me the fifth-degree every time I walk out the door: "Where are you going? How long will you be out? Don't stay out too late! Who will you be with? What are you doing?" I'm going out of my mind with the exact kind of claustrophobia I feared I would be subject to.
  I want so badly to get back into my craft but I find myself rationalizing my lack of effort towards it at every turn. Between working two part-time jobs, one that I hate immensely, and one that I'm starting to dislike, I don't feel up to breaking out my camera when I get home because I'm so damn tired. (Matt told me on the phone tonight with mild surprise in his tone that he noticed how easily I fall asleep - I fell asleep Saturday at our friend's Harry Potter Marathon night, right in front of everyone, and I'm only now realizing how embarrassed I am by that.) I haven't honestly journaled since before graduation and I can't even begin to remember everything that's happened so I stay away from that, too, my second passion, because I know I can't make up for the massive gap in time.
  I bought a book called Origin of Inspiration: Seven Short Essays for Creative People and I'm hoping it will help me pull myself out of this hopelessly uninspired rut I've found myself in. I've really lost sight of what was once so important to me, and I truly believe this isolation in southern New Hampshire is the root of it all.

  I'm still waiting for my three rolls of color 120 film to be returned from the developing lab. I check the mailbox every day, thinking somehow that getting my photographs back might just be the spark I need.

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